HOW TO TELL YOUR CHILDREN THAT YOU HAVE BREAST CANCER

It is one thing to be able to cope with your own illness; telling children about that illness can be overwhelming. Though you might have a tendency to shield them from your pain, it is important that they be able to understand – at their level – what is happening to their family because of your illness. If they are not informed, their imaginations might be significantly worse than reality.

The amount of information you provide might be dependent upon the age of your children, your relationship with them, and their interest in wanting additional information. Young children (under age 7) may not want or understand details. They might ask questions but they need assurance that they will be taken care of during your illness. Older children (7-12) might be able to understand more. They may even want to accompany you to your appointments. Routine is important to children of all ages; however, school-aged children might worry that their routine will change. Try to do what you can to make sure they still get to do the things they enjoy.

Adolescents often strive to be independent of their parents. Although they might not seek information from you, they may read pamphlets you leave out for them to see. Though they may understand what they should do, they often feel torn by what they want to do. They may be helpful or withdraw. They may avoid sharing their feelings. Children of all ages need to know that you care about them during this difficult time and that you will try to be as available to them as possible.

Be honest. Not telling your children does not protect them. Children know that something is wrong and often make up an “explanation” that is worse than the truth, or blame themselves about why Mom isn’t home or is too tired to play.

Use clear and simple language, including correct medical terms. Don’t over-explain. Some honest information, couched in love and hopefulness, will allow kids to ask for more information when they need it. Reassure your children that you still love them. Let them know the specifics of who will take care of them if you are in the hospital.

Tell them what you know, not what you fear. Promise to tell them if things change. You can support your children only if you are getting the support you need. Seek ways to do your own processing and deal with your own fears. Let other family members help whenever possible. Notify your children’s teachers so that they can help watch for difficulties. Be realistic. Take good care of yourself. Don’t expect to be a perfect parent. Maintain as normal a routine and structure as possible. Spend some quality one-on-one time with your child. Appreciate your child’s developmental age and their unique personality. Watch for behavioral changes. Don’t assume a lack of questions means a lack of interest.

Most likely, no one knows your children better than you do. If they are acting in ways you feel is extreme, seek professional help. You might also want to have assistance yourself – both in dealing with your children and with your own thoughts and feelings. In coping with breast cancer, it is important to stay informed, feel confident about your medical care, and to have a network of support.

Sources and Recommended Reading

Just Get ME Through This! A Practical Guide to Coping with Breast Cancer, Deborah A. Cohen and Robert M. Felfand, M.D.
Finding Your Way Through Breast Cancer with Your Loved Ones- Genentech BioOncology, 2001, www.biooncology.com
How to Help Children Through a Parent’s Serious Illness, Kathleen McCue, MA, LCSW
How to Talk to a Child When You have Cancer, Gretchen Curry
When a Parent Has Cancer: A Guide to Caring for your Children, Wendy Schlessel Harpham, MD
When a Parent is Sick, Joan Hamilton, RN, BN, MSc(A)
When Life Becomes Precious, Elise Needell Babcock

Children’s Books
My Mommy Has Cancer, Carolyn Stearns Parkinson, Illustrated by Elaine Verstraete
Lifetimes: The Beautiful Way to Explain Death to Children, by Bryan Mellonie and Robert Ingpen
Badger’s Parting Gifts, by Susan Varley

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